Find Ice a Job

My friend, Matty Ice, has recently blogged about not having a job and how he's sick of people asking him if he has found a job yet.  In effort to help him find a job, I have decided to do the most effective thing a person living in 2016 can do to invoke real change in the world: start a hastag.

So please, SPREAD THE WORD.  #FindIceAJob

Also, goodnight Cathy.

See the post here: I REALLY NEED A JOB

Lucy

It was November 2005 when my family and I brought home the cutest little blonde female Golden Retriever puppy. We had consciously decided to adopt a female, since they were typically smarter and smaller than their male counterparts.  However, as we soon learned, this was no typical Golden, this was Lucy.

Lucy and I grew up together.  As I morphed through my awkward teenage years into my even awkwarder early 20s, she morphed into a 90lb beast, known for her stubbornness, hilarious stupidity, and undeniable love and affection for any and all things that came into contact with her.  Whenever someone came within a reasonable distance of her, she would lean on them and greet them with a high, friendly bark, begging for a pet on the head.  When they tried to walk away, she pawed at them, not wanting the affection to end.

Throughout the years, I remember: once coming home to find her covered in her own shit and exclaiming to my friend "she diarreahed all over the place!"; her eating a live frog; taking her outside on the leash when I was home alone with her, deathly ill with the norovirus; the first time she barked playing in the leaves as a puppy, the only time we all thought her bark was cute; how she treated the Invisible Fence as more of a "guideline" than an actual barrier, she very much enjoyed her walkabouts through the neighborhood; and playing with her bright red football in the yard until I got sick of trying to pry the football from her mouth's incredibly strong clutch.  My friends all knew that once Lucy got a hold of a ball, whether it be a lacrosse ball or basketball, we'd need to spend at least the next 10 minutes chasing her around trying to retrieve it.

Yesterday, during a visit to the vet, they discovered a large, potentially malignant tumor in Lucy's abdomen.  She's 11 years old, quite old for a Golden, and it is not known how much treatment would prolong her life.  Later this week, she will be gently and humanely put to sleep.  She will spend her final days doing all things she enjoyed: spending some time in the warm sun, enjoying a delicious Dairy Queen vanilla cone, and scarfing down a grilled steak, bone and all.

While visiting home for my birthday weekend, I had the pleasure of seeing and petting Lucy for what was likely the last time. In this heartbreaking moment, as a ran my hand along the soft blonde (now riddled with white) fur of her back, I realized, even though I don't see her as much as I used to, how difficult it is to lose her and how different visits home will be.  Lucy was always the first to greet me when I visit and yesterday was no different.  She always provided an interesting obstacle, being a 90lb dog laying in the most inconvenient places, whether she was on the bottom step or laying in front of the drawer or cupboard in the kitchen (she refused to move, as per her aforementioned stubbornness).  And whenever I would eat anything, and I mean anything, those old eyes would gaze at me with the look of the same puppy we brought home 11 years earlier, and she would throw in an occasional high yelp, just in case I didn't notice she was there...

Goodbye and rest in peace Lucy, Lu, Lulu, Lu Goo, Biggy Lu, Big Dumb Stupid Dog.  I love you and I know you always loved me at least as much as you loved everybody and everything else.

Time Passes, Blog Posts Aren't Written

Wow, wow...WOWZ.

It's 2016.  My last blog post was in 2012. It's been over three years since you've been able to read my mindless drivel online. Unless, of course, you're friends with me on Facebook.  During this time, much has changed.  I no longer live in Fort Wayne, or that shithole state known as Indiana, I adulted and purchased house, I am now responsible for the well being of another living thing (don't worry, it's a dog), and I trained for a marathon I didn't run.

And that all happened in the past 18 months!

Isn't that amazing?  It doesn't feel that long since I started this a joke to kill time after returning from the bar.  I actually totally forgot about this blog until last month when I was reminiscing with some of the best people I know.  Time flies when you're having fun, I guess.

So, here we are again my friends, older, wiser, and a little more mature. I sit here, sipping my bourbon, blogging about not blogging and watching my girl sleep next to me (again, I'm talking about my dog), a little shocked about how much time has passed and how much has changed and how that crazy dude from The Apprentice and Home Alone 2 might become president. I'd like to wish you all a happy belated New Year, also for 2013, 2014, and 2015.  You're beautiful and awesome!

Goodnight Cathy.

*Edited for the improper use of your/you're

The Sabertooth Tiger and the Archaeopteryx

Oh wow!  So, I was sabertoothed again today.  I apparently have obtained another undesired sabertooth tiger.  Today, at Dash-In it happened.  She tried to tip me in my chair and had a Archaeopteryx woman to help her, commenting "Isn't she cute?" after the attempt.  When I shrugged it off, she appeared to be annoyed as if I had just insulted her friend.

Wait, so that made no sense out of context.  So, maybe I should give the background story of how I have a Sabertooth tiger.  Well, here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for, the treat for withstanding 2 weeks off from reading the best unknown blog on the internet: the story of the title.

This occured at some country western bar in North FW.  I was with a few friends, after seeing Moonlight Kingdom earlier in the day.  I had no idea what was in store for me that night.  We were apparently meeting up at the bar with a 55 year old woman.  I really did not think much of this.  But when she got there, it seemed to be a little awkward.  Basically, she seemed to take interest in me.  At one point in the night, she asked to hear my life story.  I, of course, said I have no life story.  But she pressed further.  So, I gave in and began to tell some excerpts of my life.  However, we were at opposite ends of the table, it was a loud bar, and she may have been hard of hearing.  But she was unable to hear what I was saying.  So she said, and I quote, this is no joke, "I can't hear you.  I guess I'll need to hear your story another time.  Maybe we will make it a Bedtime story."  In shock, I commented "WHAT?!."  "Maybe we will make it a Bedtime story."  (yes she litrally repeated it)  You're probably thinking, maybe this was just an innocent comment, but afterward she turned to my friends, who are in a state of shock and trying with all of their might not to burst out laughing and said "I don't think he gets it." Afterwards, my friends were laughing at the comment made by, what they referred to as a "cougar."  I called foul, 55 is too old to be a cougar.  One of my friends suggested "Saber Tooth Tiger," we all enjoyed that and it stuck.  And there you have it, BEDTIME STORIES FOR MY SABER TOOTH TIGER.

But, back to the new story, which should make complete sense to everyone now right?

Well, I guess you're probably wondering what the Archaeopteryx that travels with this specific breed of Saber Tooth tiger is.  Well, that word is the name for a prehistoric bird, and it greek it directly translates to "Ancient Wing."  Yes, this sabertooth tiger had an "actient wing woman."  I was again their prey.  Aren't I a lucky guy?  Oh, awkwark moments (possible future post).

Goodnight Cathy

Trains

I hate trains. I am currently taking a train from Chicago to SB and its awful.  Well, we stayed in the city much to late and ended up taking the last train out.   That is 11:15 central time...which is actually 12:15 for us normal people.  That os late when you wake up at 5:30am.  I am currently in this awkward state where I am too tired to legitimately be awake but I can't actually sleep.  This train is too noisy and it smells bad.

Seriously, aren't trains the worst?  Not to mention, my nemisis train resides in Fort Wayne.  It has made me plenty late for golf and mad monday among, well, other things.  I just need to get off this train.

"You got caught in the water, can't stand in the water!"

I bought a cubs hat today.  I also got some delicious Goose Island.  I am looking at a ridiculous train picture.

Wow, look at that tired babling.  I'm so sorry...but tired.

Goodnight Cathy.

Being T-Rayn

(So me and my friend Bo Twhuangles, author of matthewtwhuang.com made the decision to each start a blogging segment where each of us blog a day in the life type post of the same person, which will be agreed upon prior to starting the blog post.  These posts will be titled "Being _____", like "Being John Malcovich."  Our first victim is our mutual friend, T-Rayn.  We will try to keep people as anonymous as possible, but we'll see. I am listening to R.E.M. as I write this post)

A Familiar Look

"Shiny happy people laughing
Meet me in the crowd
People, people
Throw your love around
Love me, love me
Take it into town
Happy, happy
Put it in the ground
Where the flowers grow
Gold and silver shine"

Ahhhhh the alarm clock, time to get to work, oh man.  Oh well, what a great song to wake up to.  And I'm in a good mood, as last night was quite a Mad Monday, with great beer and the quietest drinking anyone can imagine.  I get out of bed and head to my kitchen for a delicious cup of Old Crown coffee and stare at the photos of my two favorite girls on the mantle above my fireplace...awkwardly as can be...all by myself.

Everyday, give yourself a present.  It doesn't matter what it is, don't plan it, just let it happen.

Oh man, look at the time, time to head to RayRay to spend yet another day with the great people of B2.  I grab my favorite green jacket and swish my way down to my Mazda 6, the best car.  I immediately notice that my gas tank is a bit low and I should stop on the way to work to fill up.  However, I immediately remember, there is no BP gas station on the way!  I must drive out of my way to get only the best gas, what my car craves.  I won't make it into work until 9AM, but, really, who cares?   I fill up, and my car squirts out of happiness from receiving delicous BP gas.

Everyday, give your car a present. It doesn't matter what it is, don't plan it, just let it happen.

Finally, I'm on the way to work.  On the way, I see a sign saying "Welcome to the City of Fort Wayne."  I just grin and shake my head.  This isn't a "real city," a "real city" has at least 19 million people.  *Sigh*.  When I finally make it into work, I realize that I need some refueling myself.  I head up to the cafeteria to grab a quick bite to eat before work.  Oh wow, PANCAKES, those sound delicious!  But do the have real maple syrup, of course not, it's the RayRay cafe.  Oh well, I'll just grab a breakfast sandwich and a cup of tea.  I head back to my desk, and eat my breakfast.  The entire time, I wish the the sandwich was a plate of pancakes with real maple syrup and the cup of tea was a nice glass of Johnny Walker Black Label scotch on the rocks. 

Everyday, give yourself a present. It doesn't matter what it is, don't plan it, just let it happen, even if it's not exactly what you want.

After breakfast, I decide to get to work, for I have some crazy enforcing to do, while my cube neighbor Scotty Schwarz does some vacuuming.  But, before I enforce, I must send everybody a message over chat, displaying a picture of their hometown city with "Good Morning, (home state)" written across the top.  DONE!

Everyday, give your great coworkers a present. It doesn't matter what it is, don't plan it, just let it happen.  It will make their morning, (Well, maybe)

Now, where was I?  Oh yeah, working.

*Hours pass, work, enforce, chat*

Suddenly, I realize, it's 12:15, time to get lunch with all my friends.  I head to the cafeteria, and everything kinda sucks.  So I grab 2.0 and we head out to Chipotle, the empire that I am the mayor of (on Foursquare).  I enjoy a great barbacoa beef burrito, inside, where it's not too windy, or too hot, or too sunny, or too loud.  "Half hour" lunch.

Everyday, give yourself a present. It doesn't matter what it is, don't plan it, just let it happen, even if you have to blow off your friends in the caf.

*Hours pass, work, enforce, chat*

(Oh no, I'm beginning to crave the deliciousness that is a craft beer, from my favorite bar, The Dash-In)

*Hours pass, work, enforce, chat*

5:30PM! Work Done!  I put my green jacket back on and swish my way back to my ol' Mazda.  Back in my apartment, I realize that I still do not have internet in my apartment.  So I spend the next 15 minutes on the phone with Comcast, getting my internet to work.  It goes incredibly smooth and I am free to use the internet however I like.  So, I get on skype and talk with my girl, "Mrs. T-Rayn" (AKA The Mrs.)  However, I tell my friends that I am still on the phone with Comcast. 

Everyday, give yourself a present. It doesn't matter what it is, don't plan it, just let it happen, even when you have to lie to get what you want.

Would you look at the time!  It's 10pm! Wow, time flies when you're talking with the Mrs.  Leeroy, Scott, and Twhuangski have been at The Dash since 8. I throw on my ND game day T-shirt, my ol' pumas and head downtown. Awesome, now I can get what I really wanted, a Red's Rye. 

I take a sip, then a full drink, then I just take the rest.  Oh yeah, I'll have another.

Ahhhhhhhhh, yeah this is all I really wanted, all I needed, and definitely what I deserved.  What a great way to end the day.

Everyday, give yourself a present. It doesn't matter what it is, don't plan it, just let it happen.

Goodnight Mrs, goodnight friends, goodnight Cathy (of course).

(Enjoy T-Ray, T-Ray's family, Friends)

Check here for Matthew TW Huang's take on "Being T-Rayn"

Goodnight Cathy (from me now).

Seasoned Veterans

OH NO!

So today was the start of our Wiffleball tournament at work.  It is a great opportunity to get outside during lunch time at work and just have a great time.  My friend Twhuang and I decided to start our own team this year called the Wafflers. (Oh, yeah).  This turned out to be more of an ordeal than we thought it would be.  The rule that we must have two girls on the field at all times made setting up a team difficult, since there are a lack of females at our work already, and many of them are leaving us or already joined other teams.  (I think we smell bad).  But, it all worked out, and we set up a team that was seemingly dominant.  I mean, c'mon, we were a team of young, energetic, atheltic people ready to knock some out of the park and score (my prediction) at least 7 runs per game and win 5 in a row for the championship.  I may have been a little cocky.

A lot cocky.

It did not go well.  We lost 5-1.  My solo shot in the 3rd inning was the only mark on the board.  I wouldn't say the team we were playing was "old" but they were definitely older than us.  And 5-1 doesn't even give the blowout justice.  They had quite a few more hits than we did and there were at least 2 innings that we faced less than 5 pitches as a team.  These experienced veterans were much better than us, and it turns out, team chemistry was important, as they have been a team for the past 3 (or 4) years.

Now this loss was very dissapointing, and it got me thinking, I have lost to some "seasoned veterans" quite a bit since this summer began.  I am also in a golf league, made up of mostly retirees from my company.  Guess how many matches me and my teammate LeRoy have won.  TAKE IT LEBRON!!!



Well, LeBron, you're definitely closer this time, just not quite correct.  We have not won 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, or 7 times.  We have, in fact, won ZERO times.  These retirees kick our ass week after week.  The closest we have come is 12.5 to 5.5 and we are in dead last in the league.  I mean, they do get out there and play a heck of a lot more than us, since much of our time is spent working or drinking at the Dash-In.  However, they also need to use a 3 wood for shots that I use a 7 iron for, surely we could win at least one, right? Nopety, nopety, nope.

Well, luckly, I have some oppotunities to stop this trend coming up.  We have a golf match tomorrow afternoon and our first game in the losers bracket of the Wiffleball tournament on Thursday.  I hope I will be able to seize one of those opportunities for a victory.  We shall see.  I know my sabertooth tiger is probably cheering against me in my quest for a victory over the experienced.

But, still, Goodnight Cathy.

PS, there was a saber tooth tiger sighting today, made by my very own golf partner.  (Allegedly)

PPS tomorrow will begin a special new joint blogging section with matthewtwhuang.com .  BE EXCITED!!